Stop Calling Me “Crazy”: Recognizing and Escaping Psychological Gaslighting

If you are constantly confused, apologizing for things you didn’t do, or feeling like you’re losing your grip on reality, you might be a target of gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a slow-motion attack on your sanity. It’s an insidious form of emotional abuse where one person (the abuser) systematically twists your words, denies events, and questions your feelings until you begin to believe that you are the problem—that you are “crazy,” “too sensitive,” or have a bad memory.

The result is devastating: you become dependent on the abuser to define what is real, which gives them complete control.

If you are exhausted from constantly defending your memory or constantly questioning your own gut instinct, read this. We will break down exactly what gaslighting looks like, why it’s so powerful, and, most importantly, provide concrete steps and language to help you find clarity and break free.

The Origin Story: Why “Gaslighting”?

The term comes from the 1938 play (and later the famous 1944 film) Gas Light.

In the story, a manipulative husband systematically tries to convince his wife she is going insane so he can commit her and steal her jewels. He secretly dims the gas-powered lamps in their house, causing the light to flicker. When his wife points out the dimming light, he fiercely denies it, insisting the light is normal and that she is imagining it.

The power of this story is that he is making her doubt something undeniable: her own direct perception. He creates a small, unsettling reality distortion, and then denies it with such conviction that she starts to believe her senses are faulty.

That is exactly what happens in a real-life abusive relationship. It is a calculated strategy of power and control designed to shatter your ability to trust yourself.

The Psychological Weapon: Why Gaslighting Works

Gaslighting isn’t a one-time lie; it’s a campaign of psychological warfare waged gradually over time.

1. It Attacks Your Self-Trust (The Foundation)

Your memory, your instincts, and your feelings are your inner GPS. Gaslighting seeks to destroy that GPS. If you can’t trust your memory of a conversation (because your partner denies saying it), you have no stable ground to stand on. You lose the ability to argue, reason, or even feel justified in your anger.

2. It Starts Small and Escalates

The first time they say, “That never happened,” you might just feel confused. But because you love them, you might give them the benefit of the doubt. The next time, they say, “You’re making things up,” and you start to wonder if they are right. By the time they say, “You’re crazy,” you are so weakened by the constant doubt that you accept their definition of your reality.

3. It Creates “Emotional Amnesia”

The constant back-and-forth drains your emotional energy. You spend all your time trying to prove the past instead of focusing on the present. You are so exhausted that it becomes easier to just apologize or concede their point, even if you know it’s wrong, just to find peace.

The Gaslighting Playbook: Recognizing the Tactics

Gaslighting partners use a specific set of conversational techniques, often mixed together. Learn to recognize these phrases not as arguments, but as tactics to shut down your reality.

1. Withholding and Stonewalling

They refuse to engage in a legitimate conversation, shutting down your ability to express yourself.

The Tactic: “I’m not having this conversation with you again. You’re trying to start a fight.”
The Goal: To make you believe that your need to talk about a problem is the source of the conflict, not the problem itself.

2. Countering and Rewriting History

This is the heart of gaslighting—denying your recollection of events.

The Tactic: “You must be mistaken. I would never say that, I know you have a terrible memory.” or “You remember it wrong. That actually happened the complete opposite way.”
The Goal: To force you to distrust your memory, making their version the only official record of reality.

3. Blocking, Diverting, and Changing the Subject

When you present irrefutable evidence, they deflect or turn the focus back on your flaws.

The Tactic: “Why are you obsessed with that detail? We need to talk about why you’re always so critical.” or “You’re just too emotional to think clearly right now.”
The Goal: To prevent accountability by making the discussion about your delivery, not their action.

4. Trivializing and Minimizing

They dismiss or ridicule your feelings and concerns.

The Tactic: “Why are you making such a big deal out of that? It was a joke.” or “You’re being overdramatic. Stop being so sensitive.”
The Goal: To delegitimize your emotional reaction, teaching you that your feelings are not valid or safe to share.

5. Denial and Complete Forgetting

They act as if a major event or promise never occurred, often feigning confusion.

The Tactic: “That never happened. You dreamt it.”
The Goal: To create a sense of disorientation, causing you to question your sanity—the most effective way to gain power.

Am I Being Gaslighted? 15 Signs of Confusion

The problem with being gaslighted is that the abuse makes it impossible to see the abuse. If you are struggling to define what’s wrong, use this list of internal symptoms as an external mirror.

You are likely a target of gaslighting if you often:

Constantly second-guess yourself before saying or doing anything.
Find yourself asking, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
Feel chronic confusion, and occasionally think you might be “going crazy.”
Apologize to your partner constantly, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Can’t understand why you are unhappy, given that outwardly, your life or relationship seems “fine.”
Make excuses for your partner’s behavior to your friends and family (e.g., “They were just having a stressful day.”).
Withhold information from loved ones to avoid having to explain or defend your partner’s actions.
Feel that something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite articulate what it is, even to yourself.
Find yourself lying to avoid conflict or to pre-empt a put-down.
Struggle to make simple decisions, worried that you’ll make the wrong choice and incur your partner’s judgment.
Grieve the person you used to be—more confident, relaxed, and fun-loving.
Feel persistently hopeless or joyless in the relationship.
Feel like you can’t do anything right in their presence.
Worry obsessively that you are not a “good enough” partner.
Document or write down events, feeling an intense need to collect “evidence” to prove your own sanity.

Problem-Solving: How to Respond and Break the Cycle

You cannot use logic or reason to win an argument with someone who is gaslighting you, because they are not trying to find a solution; they are trying to gain control.

The solution is to change your own behavior and exit the argument. This is called Gray Rocking or Non-Engagement.

Phase 1: Establish Boundaries and Exit the Conversation

The goal is to stop the abuser from gaining the emotional reaction (confusion, distress, apology) that feeds their control.

The Gaslighting Tactic	The Boundary/Response (Non-Negotiable)	Why It Works
“You’re crazy, that never happened.”	“I remember what I remember. I’m not going to argue about it.”	Reaffirms your reality without getting sucked into proving it.
“You’re too emotional/sensitive.”	“I understand you see it differently. I’m going to step away now.”	Validates your feeling internally while denying them the opportunity to minimize it further.
“I didn’t say that.” (Denial)	“My priority is what we do next, not what you did then.”	Redirects the conversation away from the past (where they rewrite history) to the present.
Blocking/Refusal to talk.	“We can discuss this later when we can speak respectfully. I’m leaving the room.”	Teaches them that their poor behavior ends the conversation, rather than rewarding it with distress.

The crucial rule: Repeat your boundary and then exit the conversation. You don’t need their agreement. You only need to refuse to participate in their reality distortion.

Phase 2: Rebuilding Your Internal GPS

This requires creating external anchors to help you trust yourself again.

Document Everything (The Factual Diary): Write down conversations, promises, and events immediately in a notebook, or on an external device (not a shared computer). Write exactly what was said, the time, and the date. You don’t do this to prove it to them, but to prove it to yourself.
Use External Sounding Boards: Talk to a trusted, objective friend, family member, or therapist. Ask them specifically: “Does this situation sound normal to you?” or “Am I overreacting?” They are your external reality check.
Focus on the Feeling, Not the Fact: Instead of getting stuck on what was said, focus on how you feel after the interaction. If you consistently feel confused, ashamed, depressed, or “crazy” after talking to your partner, that is the most definitive evidence you need that the relationship is toxic.

Taking Action: The Path to Freedom

Recognizing gaslighting is the hardest part. The final step is accepting that the relationship is abusive and taking action to secure your safety and well-being.

Seek Professional Help: A therapist who understands trauma and emotional abuse is vital. They will help you deconstruct the years of manipulation and rebuild your self-worth.
Create a Safety Plan: Emotional abuse often escalates. If you are preparing to leave, create a safety plan that involves securing important documents, saving money, and arranging a safe place to stay (with friends, family, or a shelter).
Go No Contact/Low Contact: Once you leave, minimizing contact is essential to stop the psychological manipulation. The abuser cannot gaslight you if you refuse to hear them.

Your goal is not to fix them. Your goal is to heal yourself and get your reality back. Hope starts here, with the simple act of choosing to trust your own mind.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Gaslighting

1. Is Gaslighting always intentional?

While some people use gaslighting intentionally and maliciously to control others, it can sometimes be a deeply ingrained, habitual response, especially in people with personality disorders.

However, the intent doesn’t matter. Whether they mean to hurt you or not, the effect of their behavior is abuse and emotional harm. Your focus must be on protecting yourself from the damage, regardless of their intent.

2. Can I gaslight my partner?

Yes. While the term is most often used to describe a systemic pattern of abuse in a relationship dynamic (where one person holds the power), anyone can use gaslighting techniques (denial, trivialization, countering) in an argument. However, for a tactic to be true gaslighting, it must be part of an ongoing pattern designed to make the victim doubt their very sanity, maintaining a chronic power imbalance.

3. How do I respond to the phrase, “You’re crazy”?

Do not argue the point. Arguing validates the accusation. A simple, confident, non-emotional response is best:

“I hear that you feel that way, but I know my own mind.”
“That’s your opinion. We can stop talking now.”
“I’m not going to engage with that language.”

Then, immediately create distance (walk away, hang up the phone). Your calm refusal to engage is the most powerful response.

4. Can a relationship recover from gaslighting?

Recovery is highly unlikely without massive, genuine, and sustained change from the abuser, typically through intensive therapy. If a person is using gaslighting, it’s a sign that the relationship is rooted in a fundamental power imbalance and emotional abuse, not just a communication problem. Your safety and mental health should be your priority, and leaving is almost always the healthiest path.

5. What if I feel like I’m the one with the bad memory?

Years of gaslighting can genuinely make you confused and hesitant. The abuser has trained you to doubt yourself. This is where your Factual Diary or external sounding board (trusted friend/therapist) is essential. Until you are free from the relationship, you may not fully regain confidence in your memory, but the external evidence will confirm that your feelings of being manipulated are correct.

6. Where can I find immediate help if I need to leave?

If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency services. For confidential support, contact a local domestic violence hotline or crisis center. They are specifically trained to help you with safety planning, local resources, and shelters.

Gaslighting: Stop Doubting Your Reality